My mind has been a muddled mess lately, with a tangle of thoughts that have been hard to sort my way through. I’ve been thinking about the future a lot, and what I want to do with my life.
I’ve decided that I need to stop pressuring myself so much to always keep busy. For awhile I’ve been telling myself that if I’m not actively doing something then I’m wasting time, while I’ve been simultaneously wasting an extraordinary amount of time on feeling burnt out and unmotivated. So, I’m going to give myself a break. If I don’t feel like sewing or crafting, then that’s fine — I can play with the baby and contemplate the color blue, if my heart so desires. Outside of making sure that my family’s needs are met, what I do is entirely up to my discretion, and the only things that are truly a waste of time are vegetating and moping.
I love sewing, but I don’t feel like I’m supposed to make it my life’s work. While I like the idea of making something and selling it as is, I don’t want to start taking commissions. I want the focus of my projects to be doing something nice for myself, my family, and my friends, not trying to crank out an overly-perfect garment in a reasonable amount of time for a complete stranger.
Lately I’ve been feeling The Calling. A few years ago I was sure that my life purpose was to be a healer, and I planned on helping and inspiring others through my writing. Then shortly after my husband and I pledged eternity to each other, the storms hit and life became very, very hard. I gave up on the idea of being a healer, because honestly, after learning how poorly people treat each other, especially those at the bottom, I felt sure that humanity didn’t deserve any sort of help. Now that I’ve had time to recover and regain perspective, I’ve realized that humanity needs help because of how poorly we treat each other. I want to start down the healer’s path again, though at the moment I’m not sure what it is that I need to do.
I’ve been spending a lot of time meditating, and hopefully I will figure out what steps I need to take next to ensure a happy future. The phrase, “Don’t be afraid,” is my new mantra, to remind me that I shouldn’t make decisions out of fear, lest I bring about the very things that I am afraid of.