I suppose that one way to put it is that I’m reinventing myself. The past couple of years have been full of hardships and misery, and the only things that I learned about myself are that my morals are unbreakable, and that I do not have what it takes to give up. While that makes a decent foundation, I have completely lost everything else that I knew about myself.
Along the way I began to define myself by what I couldn’t do. More and more often I began to think, “I’d like to do that, but I’m not the sort of person who can.” I’d like to wear colorful, decorative socks. I’d like to wear makeup everyday. I’d like to wear nylons and high heels. I’d like to wear fancy dresses. But I couldn’t, and that couldn’t became everything about me.
I’m no longer in that difficult world, so here I am, wondering what sort of style I have. Am I dark and mysterious? Bright and colorful? White and innocent? I can remember that a previous incarnation had a thing for high heels and jeans, while another one enjoyed little white dresses, and yet another one wore printed tees with short skirts over leggings, long before leggings were ever popular. But what am I now?
The best that I can do is piece together the elements that I like, and see what develops from there. I like big full skirts with tiny little waists. I like lace and flounces. I like… I like…
Finding out what I like will be quite the journey.